I'd pinpointed the exact number of hours I need to sleep to get adequate rest, and that number is 6. If I sleep 8, I wake up groggy, if I sleep more I just can't function. Any less than 6 and I feel fatigued.

Well, I was going over what I'd usually consider for Christmas and the first item at the top of the list, the Nintendo DS strangely found itself NOT on the list. I realized that I've lost a passion I once had for gaming, so much that even since the release of Halo 2 I've not played a console game. I spoke to Cody last night on the matter, and his response was that he too felt he'd lost interest and we both attributed it to wanting instead to do something productive as opposed to sitting and staring at a screen with ultimately no purpose but mental masturbation. I can hang with gamers, as I will be doing tonight at the Screeners meeting, but slowly I feel myself losing more and more interest in picking up a controller. Even when I played with my brother during Thanksgiving break, I couldn't bring myself to care enough to humor him with more than being his target practice for a few hours. I stopped playing Ninja Gaiden because of the rediculous difficulty level, and it frustrated me so much that I decided my skills were better applied elsewhere. I may challenge someone to a match tonight just to see what happens...for old times sake.

I'm also feeling weird with this Xanga journal, so I'll just direct pplz to my LJ before Preno (my computer's AI) gets upset and calls me a traitor again.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/seekerazrael/

Morning coffee with Dad proved quite eventful, as always.

Dad and I had fun with word puns in Spanish as we played off each other, me trying to be serious and concrete, and him trying to pervert everything I said into sexual commentary. Good times. Granted, I only slept about five hours or so on account of having stayed up late talking to crazy Chris, whom I miss already (geez it’s been only a few days) . I talked to Lizz, Danielle, Kyle, John and Chera as well and that made me happy.

I think I finally made my peace with my family after my aunt told me she wanted me to take her computer back to San Angelo for repairs and I sat down and explained calmly that just because she was family did not mean that she merited special treatment from me. I objectively pointed out that I had spent a full day working on her equipment during my last visit and that I hadn’t the time or desire to do so again. She seemed hurt, but I can only expect to be held in contempt for refusing my services. Still, if I were ever to become a professional in the field of psychology, it is highly unethical for a practicing clinician to offer free sessions, even to their own family, and that is just something they’re going to have to accept. I developed several knots in my back from having had to sleep on the floor, that I kept to myself as I knew my dear mother would be hurt if I voiced complaint, but still I am highly discouraged from making a repeat voyage next year on account of all the drama that goes on in this household. Yesterday especially reminded me of a soap opera, as people congregated with smiles on their faces and yet harbored hidden agendas and different motives for being there. Those who didn’t show were criticized and spoken ill about during dinner as is customary, and much raunchy humor manifested itself at the table. I mentioned to Josh as we ate how I thought that at the very least my family wasn’t acting fake, that’s just the way they are. They were cursing, drinking, and being thankful...what more could I ask for?

I’ve begun packing; all I brought were my books, an Ethernet cord and my acoustic guitar which I finally got to re-string after 2 years. I switched to a heavier gauge of strings and I think I like the deeper, richer tone as it is more reminiscent of Spanish guitar tonality. I’ll be heading back to San Angelo as soon as Josh gets back from the orthodontist, in the meantime I’ll try to beat Neon Genesis Evangelion for the N64. I know most gamers have already bought a DS but I’ll not succumb to it’s soul sucking influences. Must...resist...temptation...

The evening wasn’t all that bad.

Steph tackled me yesterday when I stuck my tounge out at her, it was great. I got to hang out with Larry today which is always awesome. He and I went over new developments in the engineering field, stock market, and more. Before that I went to Cara’s and spoke to her father for over an hour as she took time to pretty up, because she hates it when I wake her up so early. Well, if it wasn’t for my father wanting me to join him for coffee at 6am, 8am, and finally 10am I might have gotten around her later in the day. Her dad, much to my surprise is a Vietnam veteran and we went over politics, current events and more…I was thoroughly acculturated at the end of my visits, as short as they were. I was expected home at 1, which wasn’t too bad except that my brother Oliver missed the blessing on account of “taking a ride” I was displeased with him for having toked up before the meal, but I suspect he’s been under more stress than usual on account of our pending graduations and his desire to leave town, not that it’s justifiable behavior, especially on such an occasion. I have told him time and time again that he should be careful but only time will tell if he learns self-discipline or not. Although I too was a bit wired, having returned to a double dosage of antibiotics and monocycline, used to treat acne (I am heavily affected by vertigo and nausea, hence why I hate over prescription medication).

In all this, I have done some thinking and come to realize just how liberal I really am in many of my beliefs. I support a woman’s right to chose to abort a child; I believe in social equality for homosexuals, I believe pot smoking in moderation and for medicinal reasons is ok. I believe I wouldn’t struggle with the issue of masturbation if I were in relationship, “married” or not. Frankly, my grades were best when I was constantly high, and I seemed to recall having written some of what I consider my best work under the influence. Not that any of that matters now, it’s in the past. Even today though, I have trouble separating truth from lies. I had a major discussion with Cory about how the Church of Christ believes that a person must be baptized to enter heaven, basically saying that even if you accept Christ you are still damned to hell if you aren’t baptized, which to me sounds like a work and not an act of faith. He doesn't believe in original sin and yet can't give me evidence supporting his belief in the trinity, though no mention is ever made in the Bible. (I know the trinity exists, but i tried to follow his logic, and it was flawed) I like attending Baptist service, but sometime I strongly disagree with what the pastor says. If I never have children, it’ll be because I chose contraceptives (or my partner birth control) over having sexual relations the “way God intended it” despite what the pastor has been preaching about how that is wrong. I MIGHT want children someday, but not now, and definately not anytime soon.

What this all boils down to is that although I am willing to listen and learn more about what constitutes my reality, I am constantly being put into situations where I am almost certain I am to reach non-believers by empathizing them because of their situations. This trip home has made me realize that I am thankful for everything just the way it is, but that if change is to come, I must embrace it and not deny myself an opportunity or chance based on my own insecurity or reservations I may have on certain things.

I might be a bit edgy because of certain things that have happened the past few days, and if that is the case and this rambling is a reflection of my mood I should feel convicted, but I don't.